Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 4

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

Heart of Your Toddler

• Toddlers do not reason well
• They are literally "not reasonable".
  
• They are not cognitively developed enough to reason
• But they can learn and remember (behavior modification does not affect the heart, but is effective for toddlers)
  
• They don't have to agree to comply
• You can explain reasons later on (maybe years later, probably sometime after the 3rd birthday)
  
• Toddlers like self-rule
• But it's not best for them
• Parents need to bring them to a place of submission to our authority (this is the goal)
• Illustration - a funnel (narrow end facing left, wide end facing right: the width of the funnel (vertical distance) represents boundaries; the horizontal distance represents time). It's a really long funnel (one end is choosing a toy to play with, the other end is something like driving a car). As we see that kids respond in obedience, we open up the boundaries of privilege.
• Success in obedience is motivation for kids to attempt more successes in obedience
• Choice is not always good
• Be careful how many choices you offer your child
• Choice implies authority

Start now identifying the character traits you are aiming for: obedience and respect.

• Now: Obedience is what we're after
• Develop with consistent structure and follow-through

Proverbs 4:23, Proverbs 20:5

Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 3

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

Respect and Obedience

• Respect is taught by giving your child the chance to act respectful toward another person.

How do you teach obedience?

• Ephesians 6:1-3, Colossians 3:20-21
• Genesis 22:1-3: Good example of true obedience:
• Response was immediate
• Response was without question or challenge.
• "Why" can be asked after they obey
• Over time, we can explain "why" - but after
  
• Response was without complaint
• With God, we can communicate how we feel, but it can't get in the way of obedience
• "We want you to feel free to let us know how you feel - but that does not mean freedom to express that any way you like."
• We can ask questions of our kids, but not in the heat of the moment [I think this had to do with dealing with grudging obedience, but not sure. -ms]
  
• Response was complete
• Meeting halfway is not good enough
• D&B have seen this as most beneficial in their kids' relationship with Jesus
• It's up to you to pick the standard you expect of your kids
• It's more fair to your kids to be consistent at your chosen standard

Babies (really more parent-training than baby-training)

• Decide to see babies as welcome additions, not the center of activity
• "How do we incorporate this child into the existing atmosphere?"
  
• Establish and teach healthy security patterns
  
• Trust vs Proximity
• Don't translate your emotions to the child (they're simpler than you are)
  
• Build security based on relationship, not proximity
• e.g. teach the baby that when mom/dad leaves, they come back
• Be careful with phrases like "I'll never leave you" or "I'll always be there for you" - you can't control what might happen (e.g. hit by bus)
  
• Boundaries are not bad
• They are realistic introductions to the world we live in
• There are natural boundaries and authority structures
• Boundaries aren't restrictive in the negative sense.
  

Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 2

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

What stands out about kids that are pleasant to be around?

• The things they do are different - but character - the kind of person they are - is the same
• Character: the collective qualities that distinguish a person; moral strength.
  
• Character can be strong/weak, positive/negative
• Goal is not to have a perfect child
• List in Galatians is Holy Spirit-driven (not something parents will drive into their kids)
• Psalm 15 (esp in The Message version) - list of traits
• How I start to look as I spend time with God: walk straight, act right, tell the truth, don't hurt your friend, don't blame your neighbor, despise the despicable, keep your word even when it costs you, make an honest living, never take a bribe
• Translates to things like being honest, loyal, responsible, hardworking, honorable, respectful, selfless, showing discretion...
• (these traits should be worked on 1 or 2 at a time, max)
• Learn what your own weaknesses are - know what the traps to avoid are
• Foundational traits: obedience and respect. (All other traits can be developed from these)

You can work on behavior, but the goal is always the heart.

Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 1

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

A husband and wife is a complete family unit (Genesis - after making Eve, God pronounced the new family "very good").

• Husband's primary relationship within the family is with his wife.
• Wife's primary relationship within the family is with her husband.
• Avoid child-centeredness.
  
• Focus first on strengthening marriage.
• Kids don't draw you away from the H/W relationship, but they do distract completely.
• Take the first part of the day/your time to do/plan something for your spouse (don't leave spouse with what's left)
• Once the baby is born, ASAP, start dating again, then ASAP without taking the kid with
  
• Husbands - remind your wife of the fun you used to have - remind her she used to be fun and not tired (pursue her)

Four Phases of Parenting (continuum)

Age	Birth	Age 7	Age 13	Age 18
Relationship	Directing	Coaching	Mentoring	Releasing
State of Child	Folly	...	...	Wisdom
Structure	Authority	...	...	Mutual Respect
Response (child to parent)	Duty	...	...	Devotion

Mandate: Authority/Influence

• 1 Corinthians 11:3, Exodus 20:12, Colossians 3:30 (really directed at parents)
• Person under authority choses to line their will up under the authority (order their will under)
• To parent well, you need to understand authority
• To parent well, you need to use your influence
• You only have a few years of influence - about 13
• God designed it that way
• Establish authority by age 4
• After that, it's difficult - then it's influence
  

Mission: Discipline = Discipling

• Proverbs 13:24, Proverbs 19:18 (read in The Message version)
• The idea that Discipline = Discipling is not cultural
• According to God's word, and your goals, and each kid's "bent", set goals (less than 4, and keep them simple) for your kids' lives. (The kid's "bent" is 3rd because the mission you set for each kid should align with the family mission.)

Method

• Use a standard that will pass the test of time
• The Bible is a standard like that
• Parenting theories come and go
• Be proactive, not reactive
• Know where you're headed
• Watch for families with positive examples ("I'd like our family to look like them")
• Do other people enjoy your kids?
• Realize each child will be unique (revise method according to their bent)
• Be a "student of your children" - take the time to get to know them

It's okay to take some date time to talk about the kids...BUT NOT ALL/MOST OF THE TIME!