Amgad and Jenny's Marriage Tips

Marriage Matters - Sunday, July 11, 2010

1. Develop a vision and the core values for your family
   
   1. Most important tip we can offer (still working on it ourselves)
   2. Guides every other decision you make individually, as a couple, and a family
   3. Aligns your everyday choices to make progress toward your ultimate vision
   4. Why leave something to chance that is so eternally important?
   
   


2. Carve out intentional time to invest in your marriage and evaluate your vision & values
   
   1. For us, it’s a date night every week
   2. Also do a weekly review/preview that gives us a pulse on how we’re doing with current goals or projects
   3. Putting Joey to bed early and doing little or no chores in the evening to be together alone for downtime


3. Encourage each other in areas where we’re most skilled
   
   1. Anyone can criticize their spouse for things they’re bad at
   2. Important also to build up our spouses in areas they excel
   3. Challenge them to take their skills to the next level
   4. Unique perspective as a spouse - extremely close but able to be objective and honest
   5. Give advice for improvement gently; accept advice humbly
   6. Example: Jenny excels at meticulous budgeting, but Amgad encouraged her to use her time wisely by focusing on lowering the taxable assessed value of the house rather than coupon clipping
   
   


4. Show grace for the other person’s recurring weaknesses - but work on those recurring weaknesses yourself as a way of showing love/respect (Sesame Street clip)
   
   1. Usually in the “little things” but enough offenses and they become big things
   2. Example: Jenny makes big meal that takes forever; Amgad wants quality time
   3. Amgad has learned to be gracious when Jenny keeps making this mistake
   4. Jenny has realized that it’s not just a punctuality issue but also a way to show Amgad that she respects him so much that she’ll work to overcome this weakness
   5. Amgad is learning to lovingly & humbly challenge and enable Jenny to improve
   
   


5. Don’t make jokes that tear each other down
   
   1. As big teasers, this is our way of enjoying ourselves and relieving tension
   2. Although “all in fun” it can hurt if the spouse is sensitive in a particular area.
   3. Example: Amgad joking about Jenny’s growing belly very early on in the pregnancy hurts Jenny because she feels fat
   4. Best to build your spouse up and avoid the teasing


6. Mentorship: Getting to know each other’s parents and other older couples
   
   1. Relationship w/ each others’ parents
      
      1. Has given us a window into our spouse’s behavior.
      2. Also helps us to glean wisdom in their parenting (of us!)
      3. Example: Jenny now knows why Amgad is so cautious and thorough -- his mom is the one who taught him that!
      4. Example: Amgad now knows why Jenny is so clumsy and careless -- her dad is the one who modeled that for her!
      5. Developing an awareness of these attributes helps us to be wise in balancing them in our own relationship and parenting style
   2. Developing relationships w/ older couples helpful in so many ways:
      
      1. Window into future stages of marriage and child rearing
      2. Wisdom and encouragement for current seasons we’re going through that they’ve already succeeded in
      3. Safe third party for resolving conflicts because both of us respect their advice and are willing to take it
      4. Doesn’t have to be an ongoing committed mentor relationship -- can be dinner or coffee as a need arises. Mix it up and meet lots of different types of couples!
      5. Meet these couples through serving, Bible studies...anywhere! Evaluate areas you’d like to grow as a couple and seek couples you feel are strong in that area
      6. Great opportunity to view families farther along than yours and discuss what you’d want for your own family.
      7. Mentor relationships don’t always have to be with couples who are a generation ahead of you, but just a season. Ex: Jenny sought out Heather Adolphs for advice on disciplining Joey
   
   
   3. Make a budget for your resources (time, talent, treasure)
      
      1. This is where the rubber meets the road with your values
      2. We’ve found it helpful to be specific rather than vague in numbers for a money budget; specificity reduces the risk of misunderstanding
      3. Parable of the Talents
      4. So much freedom in having a plan!

[Thanks to Amgad and Jenny for sharing with us!]

Sunday School Revisited - Noah (Genesis 6:1-9:17)

[This is just a HTML-ification of the notes and handouts for the first lesson in the "Sunday School Revisited" series.]

There are a lot of stories from Sunday School that were just stories, and never really seemed to connect to other parts of the Bible. Maybe they don't get connected until later. Maybe you never really went to Sunday School, so when some of these names get mentioned in church or a Bible study or ABF, you feel lost. This series revisits some of the “classics” from Sunday School, tries to flesh them out, and put them into some context.

[Opening large-group]

1. How many people attended Sunday School very regularly as children? Irregularly or not often? Never?
2. Read the story of Noah from a kid's Bible. Ask how complete the story is.
3. To flesh out the story, let's first split into groups of 3-4 couples.
4. Each group will have a different aspect of the story to look at and teach the rest of the class. Each group also gets to assemble some sort of craft project to illustrate something about what they are teaching. At the end, we'll get back together and you can teach the other groups what you learned and share your craft project.

[Small Group 1]

Your group gets... Covenants!

The account of Noah's life is in Genesis 6:1 through Genesis 9:29
Your group's task is to teach the rest of the class about covenants in the story of Noah and the flood. You should construct a craft project to illustrate something about covenants, and use that craft project when teaching the rest of the class.
The questions below are to get you thinking and talking. You don't have to answer or even discuss all of the questions. They are there for inspiration. But please do try to answer the last question as you share with the rest of the class.

• What is a covenant?
• How many covenants had God made with humanity prior to Noah?
• Would God make other covenants with humanity after Noah?
• The word “covenant” appears in Genesis 6:18, then again frequently in Genesis 9:1-17. Was God making one covenant, or two? What was the nature of the covenant(s)?
• What was God agreeing to under the covenant(s) he made with Noah? What was humanity agreeing to?
• Who got the better end of the deal? Why?
• How can you apply this knowledge to your life today?

[Small Group 2]

Your aspect is... Salvation!

The account of Noah's life is in Genesis 6:1 through Genesis 9:29
Your group's task is to teach the rest of the class about salvation in the story of Noah and the flood. You should construct a craft project to illustrate something about humanity being saved, and use that craft project when teaching the rest of the class.
The questions below are to get you thinking and talking. You don't have to answer or even discuss all of the questions. They are there for inspiration. But please do try to answer the last question as you share with the rest of the class.

• How many people were there in the world at the time of the flood?
• How many were saved?
• Genesis 6:9 says that Noah was “blameless”. What does that mean? How does that compare to “sinless”?
• What connections do you see between Noah and Jesus?
• What differences do you see in the salvation Noah offered and the salvation Jesus offered?
• What was the salvation that came through Noah?
• What was the salvation that came through Jesus?
• Do you think that what God did through Noah was a foreshadowing of what God would do through Jesus? Why or why not?
• How can you apply this knowledge to your life today?

[Small Group 3]

Your group gets... Justice and Mercy!

The account of Noah's life is in Genesis 6:1 through Genesis 9:29
(God's patience and giving second chances, combined with righteousness and justice)
Your group's task is to teach the rest of the class about God's justice and God's mercy in the story of Noah and the flood. You should construct a craft project to illustrate something about justice and mercy, and use that craft project when teaching the rest of the class.
The questions below are to get you thinking and talking. You don't have to answer or even discuss all of the questions. They are there for inspiration. But please do try to answer the last question as you share with the rest of the class.

• Why did God send the flood?
• Did God want to send the flood?
• How much sin can God tolerate?
• How much sin did God tolerate? (see Genesis 6:5-7)
• Was the world more or less wicked in those days than today? Why do you think so?
• What examples of mercy can you find in the story?
• Do you think God displayed more justice or more mercy in the account of the flood?
• Here's a specific example to get you thinking: what kind of warning did people outside of Noah's family have about the flood? Was this more just, or more merciful?
• When discussing Noah and the flood, is justice or mercy usually the focus?
• In versions of the story for young children (e.g. in kid's Bibles), is justice or mercy usually the focus?
• Is this a good thing or not?
• Should the other aspect get more focus in versions for children?
• If there weren't animals in this story, do you think this story would be a Sunday School staple?
• After the flood, had humanity run out of second chances from God?
• How can you apply this knowledge to your life today?

[Small Group 4]

Your aspect is... Content Community in Confined Quarters!

The account of Noah's life is in Genesis 6:1 through Genesis 9:29
Your group's task is to teach the rest of the class about “Content Community in Confined Quarters”—that is, getting along with others in cramped living spaces—using the story of Noah and the flood. You should construct a craft project to illustrate something about keeping a confined community content, and use that craft project when teaching the rest of the class.
The questions below are to get you thinking and talking. You don't have to answer or even discuss all of the questions. They are there for inspiration. But please do try to answer the last question as you share with the rest of the class.

• What's it like to be cooped up with a few other people for a long time?
• How many people were in the ark?
• How big was the ark? How much space do you think was reserved for people?
• Approximately how long were they in the ark?
• Approximately how smelly were they in the ark?
• How well would you have dealt with this situation?
• What conflicts do you think might have arisen between you and your spouse if you had been on the ark?
• How would you counsel someone else to deal with a needing to live in tight quarters with a similar group of family members for a long time?
• How can you apply this knowledge to your life or marriage today?

Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 4

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

Heart of Your Toddler

• Toddlers do not reason well
• They are literally "not reasonable".
  
• They are not cognitively developed enough to reason
• But they can learn and remember (behavior modification does not affect the heart, but is effective for toddlers)
  
• They don't have to agree to comply
• You can explain reasons later on (maybe years later, probably sometime after the 3rd birthday)
  
• Toddlers like self-rule
• But it's not best for them
• Parents need to bring them to a place of submission to our authority (this is the goal)
• Illustration - a funnel (narrow end facing left, wide end facing right: the width of the funnel (vertical distance) represents boundaries; the horizontal distance represents time). It's a really long funnel (one end is choosing a toy to play with, the other end is something like driving a car). As we see that kids respond in obedience, we open up the boundaries of privilege.
• Success in obedience is motivation for kids to attempt more successes in obedience
• Choice is not always good
• Be careful how many choices you offer your child
• Choice implies authority

Start now identifying the character traits you are aiming for: obedience and respect.

• Now: Obedience is what we're after
• Develop with consistent structure and follow-through

Proverbs 4:23, Proverbs 20:5

Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 3

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

Respect and Obedience

• Respect is taught by giving your child the chance to act respectful toward another person.

How do you teach obedience?

• Ephesians 6:1-3, Colossians 3:20-21
• Genesis 22:1-3: Good example of true obedience:
• Response was immediate
• Response was without question or challenge.
• "Why" can be asked after they obey
• Over time, we can explain "why" - but after
  
• Response was without complaint
• With God, we can communicate how we feel, but it can't get in the way of obedience
• "We want you to feel free to let us know how you feel - but that does not mean freedom to express that any way you like."
• We can ask questions of our kids, but not in the heat of the moment [I think this had to do with dealing with grudging obedience, but not sure. -ms]
  
• Response was complete
• Meeting halfway is not good enough
• D&B have seen this as most beneficial in their kids' relationship with Jesus
• It's up to you to pick the standard you expect of your kids
• It's more fair to your kids to be consistent at your chosen standard

Babies (really more parent-training than baby-training)

• Decide to see babies as welcome additions, not the center of activity
• "How do we incorporate this child into the existing atmosphere?"
  
• Establish and teach healthy security patterns
  
• Trust vs Proximity
• Don't translate your emotions to the child (they're simpler than you are)
  
• Build security based on relationship, not proximity
• e.g. teach the baby that when mom/dad leaves, they come back
• Be careful with phrases like "I'll never leave you" or "I'll always be there for you" - you can't control what might happen (e.g. hit by bus)
  
• Boundaries are not bad
• They are realistic introductions to the world we live in
• There are natural boundaries and authority structures
• Boundaries aren't restrictive in the negative sense.
  

Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 2

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

What stands out about kids that are pleasant to be around?

• The things they do are different - but character - the kind of person they are - is the same
• Character: the collective qualities that distinguish a person; moral strength.
  
• Character can be strong/weak, positive/negative
• Goal is not to have a perfect child
• List in Galatians is Holy Spirit-driven (not something parents will drive into their kids)
• Psalm 15 (esp in The Message version) - list of traits
• How I start to look as I spend time with God: walk straight, act right, tell the truth, don't hurt your friend, don't blame your neighbor, despise the despicable, keep your word even when it costs you, make an honest living, never take a bribe
• Translates to things like being honest, loyal, responsible, hardworking, honorable, respectful, selfless, showing discretion...
• (these traits should be worked on 1 or 2 at a time, max)
• Learn what your own weaknesses are - know what the traps to avoid are
• Foundational traits: obedience and respect. (All other traits can be developed from these)

You can work on behavior, but the goal is always the heart.

Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 1

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

A husband and wife is a complete family unit (Genesis - after making Eve, God pronounced the new family "very good").

• Husband's primary relationship within the family is with his wife.
• Wife's primary relationship within the family is with her husband.
• Avoid child-centeredness.
  
• Focus first on strengthening marriage.
• Kids don't draw you away from the H/W relationship, but they do distract completely.
• Take the first part of the day/your time to do/plan something for your spouse (don't leave spouse with what's left)
• Once the baby is born, ASAP, start dating again, then ASAP without taking the kid with
  
• Husbands - remind your wife of the fun you used to have - remind her she used to be fun and not tired (pursue her)

Four Phases of Parenting (continuum)

Age	Birth	Age 7	Age 13	Age 18
Relationship	Directing	Coaching	Mentoring	Releasing
State of Child	Folly	...	...	Wisdom
Structure	Authority	...	...	Mutual Respect
Response (child to parent)	Duty	...	...	Devotion

Mandate: Authority/Influence

• 1 Corinthians 11:3, Exodus 20:12, Colossians 3:30 (really directed at parents)
• Person under authority choses to line their will up under the authority (order their will under)
• To parent well, you need to understand authority
• To parent well, you need to use your influence
• You only have a few years of influence - about 13
• God designed it that way
• Establish authority by age 4
• After that, it's difficult - then it's influence
  

Mission: Discipline = Discipling

• Proverbs 13:24, Proverbs 19:18 (read in The Message version)
• The idea that Discipline = Discipling is not cultural
• According to God's word, and your goals, and each kid's "bent", set goals (less than 4, and keep them simple) for your kids' lives. (The kid's "bent" is 3rd because the mission you set for each kid should align with the family mission.)

Method

• Use a standard that will pass the test of time
• The Bible is a standard like that
• Parenting theories come and go
• Be proactive, not reactive
• Know where you're headed
• Watch for families with positive examples ("I'd like our family to look like them")
• Do other people enjoy your kids?
• Realize each child will be unique (revise method according to their bent)
• Be a "student of your children" - take the time to get to know them

It's okay to take some date time to talk about the kids...BUT NOT ALL/MOST OF THE TIME!

The Fig Tree and the Temple

Tonight we looked at Mark 11:1-26, which is a fairly eventful passage. It begins with the triumphal entry into Jerusalem, and recounts the cleansing of the temple.

But bookending the cleansing of the temple is the very confusing account of the fig tree. Why would Jesus curse a fig tree for not bearing fruit out of season? From a combination of commentaries, "cheater notes", the context, and a few targeted questions, we came to a couple of conclusions.

Fig trees apparently develop fruit and leaves at the same time. The tree was advertising fruitfulness while truly being barren. This helps us understand the cleansing of the temple--it advertised spiritual fruitfulness, but it was a marketplace, a shortcut, and much more profane than sacred. The temple had become spiritually barren.

Another conclusion (or maybe hypothesis) we developed was that Jesus was showing that seasons of spirituality would be obsolete in his coming kingdom. Israel had gone through seasons of worship and apostasy. But perhaps in the new kingdom, the seasons of falling away would stop.

I found an article about the fig tree that has more detail. It also cites references, for anyone that's interested in digging in deeper.

We had a great discussion tonight. The takeaway offered at the end was not to be like the fig tree and the temple: make sure what your outside (appearance, behavior, words) advertises matches your inward condition.

[Editor's note: I may or may not post back-notes on Mark 9 and Mark 10. If not, we studied Mark 10 a week ago, and Mark 9 the week before that.]