Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 4

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

Heart of Your Toddler

• Toddlers do not reason well
• They are literally "not reasonable".
  
• They are not cognitively developed enough to reason
• But they can learn and remember (behavior modification does not affect the heart, but is effective for toddlers)
  
• They don't have to agree to comply
• You can explain reasons later on (maybe years later, probably sometime after the 3rd birthday)
  
• Toddlers like self-rule
• But it's not best for them
• Parents need to bring them to a place of submission to our authority (this is the goal)
• Illustration - a funnel (narrow end facing left, wide end facing right: the width of the funnel (vertical distance) represents boundaries; the horizontal distance represents time). It's a really long funnel (one end is choosing a toy to play with, the other end is something like driving a car). As we see that kids respond in obedience, we open up the boundaries of privilege.
• Success in obedience is motivation for kids to attempt more successes in obedience
• Choice is not always good
• Be careful how many choices you offer your child
• Choice implies authority

Start now identifying the character traits you are aiming for: obedience and respect.

• Now: Obedience is what we're after
• Develop with consistent structure and follow-through

Proverbs 4:23, Proverbs 20:5

Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 3

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

Respect and Obedience

• Respect is taught by giving your child the chance to act respectful toward another person.

How do you teach obedience?

• Ephesians 6:1-3, Colossians 3:20-21
• Genesis 22:1-3: Good example of true obedience:
• Response was immediate
• Response was without question or challenge.
• "Why" can be asked after they obey
• Over time, we can explain "why" - but after
  
• Response was without complaint
• With God, we can communicate how we feel, but it can't get in the way of obedience
• "We want you to feel free to let us know how you feel - but that does not mean freedom to express that any way you like."
• We can ask questions of our kids, but not in the heat of the moment [I think this had to do with dealing with grudging obedience, but not sure. -ms]
  
• Response was complete
• Meeting halfway is not good enough
• D&B have seen this as most beneficial in their kids' relationship with Jesus
• It's up to you to pick the standard you expect of your kids
• It's more fair to your kids to be consistent at your chosen standard

Babies (really more parent-training than baby-training)

• Decide to see babies as welcome additions, not the center of activity
• "How do we incorporate this child into the existing atmosphere?"
  
• Establish and teach healthy security patterns
  
• Trust vs Proximity
• Don't translate your emotions to the child (they're simpler than you are)
  
• Build security based on relationship, not proximity
• e.g. teach the baby that when mom/dad leaves, they come back
• Be careful with phrases like "I'll never leave you" or "I'll always be there for you" - you can't control what might happen (e.g. hit by bus)
  
• Boundaries are not bad
• They are realistic introductions to the world we live in
• There are natural boundaries and authority structures
• Boundaries aren't restrictive in the negative sense.
  

Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 2

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

What stands out about kids that are pleasant to be around?

• The things they do are different - but character - the kind of person they are - is the same
• Character: the collective qualities that distinguish a person; moral strength.
  
• Character can be strong/weak, positive/negative
• Goal is not to have a perfect child
• List in Galatians is Holy Spirit-driven (not something parents will drive into their kids)
• Psalm 15 (esp in The Message version) - list of traits
• How I start to look as I spend time with God: walk straight, act right, tell the truth, don't hurt your friend, don't blame your neighbor, despise the despicable, keep your word even when it costs you, make an honest living, never take a bribe
• Translates to things like being honest, loyal, responsible, hardworking, honorable, respectful, selfless, showing discretion...
• (these traits should be worked on 1 or 2 at a time, max)
• Learn what your own weaknesses are - know what the traps to avoid are
• Foundational traits: obedience and respect. (All other traits can be developed from these)

You can work on behavior, but the goal is always the heart.

Simple Truths About Parenting - Session 1

[Matt's notes from the parenting series taught by Don & Blynda. These are mostly unedited from the originals. Please feel free to add clarifications in comments.]

A husband and wife is a complete family unit (Genesis - after making Eve, God pronounced the new family "very good").

• Husband's primary relationship within the family is with his wife.
• Wife's primary relationship within the family is with her husband.
• Avoid child-centeredness.
  
• Focus first on strengthening marriage.
• Kids don't draw you away from the H/W relationship, but they do distract completely.
• Take the first part of the day/your time to do/plan something for your spouse (don't leave spouse with what's left)
• Once the baby is born, ASAP, start dating again, then ASAP without taking the kid with
  
• Husbands - remind your wife of the fun you used to have - remind her she used to be fun and not tired (pursue her)

Four Phases of Parenting (continuum)

Age	Birth	Age 7	Age 13	Age 18
Relationship	Directing	Coaching	Mentoring	Releasing
State of Child	Folly	...	...	Wisdom
Structure	Authority	...	...	Mutual Respect
Response (child to parent)	Duty	...	...	Devotion

Mandate: Authority/Influence

• 1 Corinthians 11:3, Exodus 20:12, Colossians 3:30 (really directed at parents)
• Person under authority choses to line their will up under the authority (order their will under)
• To parent well, you need to understand authority
• To parent well, you need to use your influence
• You only have a few years of influence - about 13
• God designed it that way
• Establish authority by age 4
• After that, it's difficult - then it's influence
  

Mission: Discipline = Discipling

• Proverbs 13:24, Proverbs 19:18 (read in The Message version)
• The idea that Discipline = Discipling is not cultural
• According to God's word, and your goals, and each kid's "bent", set goals (less than 4, and keep them simple) for your kids' lives. (The kid's "bent" is 3rd because the mission you set for each kid should align with the family mission.)

Method

• Use a standard that will pass the test of time
• The Bible is a standard like that
• Parenting theories come and go
• Be proactive, not reactive
• Know where you're headed
• Watch for families with positive examples ("I'd like our family to look like them")
• Do other people enjoy your kids?
• Realize each child will be unique (revise method according to their bent)
• Be a "student of your children" - take the time to get to know them

It's okay to take some date time to talk about the kids...BUT NOT ALL/MOST OF THE TIME!

The Fig Tree and the Temple

Tonight we looked at Mark 11:1-26, which is a fairly eventful passage. It begins with the triumphal entry into Jerusalem, and recounts the cleansing of the temple.

But bookending the cleansing of the temple is the very confusing account of the fig tree. Why would Jesus curse a fig tree for not bearing fruit out of season? From a combination of commentaries, "cheater notes", the context, and a few targeted questions, we came to a couple of conclusions.

Fig trees apparently develop fruit and leaves at the same time. The tree was advertising fruitfulness while truly being barren. This helps us understand the cleansing of the temple--it advertised spiritual fruitfulness, but it was a marketplace, a shortcut, and much more profane than sacred. The temple had become spiritually barren.

Another conclusion (or maybe hypothesis) we developed was that Jesus was showing that seasons of spirituality would be obsolete in his coming kingdom. Israel had gone through seasons of worship and apostasy. But perhaps in the new kingdom, the seasons of falling away would stop.

I found an article about the fig tree that has more detail. It also cites references, for anyone that's interested in digging in deeper.

We had a great discussion tonight. The takeaway offered at the end was not to be like the fig tree and the temple: make sure what your outside (appearance, behavior, words) advertises matches your inward condition.

[Editor's note: I may or may not post back-notes on Mark 9 and Mark 10. If not, we studied Mark 10 a week ago, and Mark 9 the week before that.]

An Eternal Mindset

In our discussion of Mark 8, one theme kept coming up. From the "yeast of the Pharisees" to Jesus's rebuke of Peter, that theme was the importance of focusing on eternal things.

It's not an easy thing to do. Jesus warned his disciples against the "yeast of the Pharisees and that of Herod". He was warning them not to focus on the things of the world--gaining acclaim, wealth, leisure, or power, for example. His disciples missed the point, and focused on a basic earthly need--food.

Later, Jesus predicted he would be killed. He also predicted he would rise three days later. Peter took him aside and rebuked him. Most likely, Peter had a cultural idea of what the Messiah would be: a conquering king in the mold of David, a mortal favored by God who would set up an enduring kingdom of Israel. Dying didn't fit into that picture.

Jesus responded to the rebuke by saying "You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

Let's focus on the things of God. Taking up your cross daily (or in modern terms, strapping into your electric chair daily) might not be easy, but it's the price Jesus asked for the reward he offered.

Honor, Worship, and Your Marriage

In the passage we discussed tonight, Jesus responded to a challenge from the Pharisees by pointing out that, as Isaiah said,

These people honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
They worship me in vain...

After discussing what it means to worship in vain (going through motions to make oneself look or feel good; external behavior that doesn't come from the heart, and so on), we changed the context.

Instead of God's relationship to people, we talked about the marriage relationship. Is it possible to honor your spouse with your lips while your heart is far from him/her, and to love him/her in vain? After talking about what that might look like, and what it might feel like, the group came up with some good suggestions for avoiding or breaking out of that selfish mode.

• Be mindful of selfish behavior, and practice replacing "love in vain" with genuine love.
• Reviewing things you like/appreciate/love about your spouse when tempted to "love in vain".
  
• Confessing (to your spouse and to God) when you catch yourself loving in vain.

I think I may have forgotten a suggestion. If anyone remembers what it was, please post it in the comments.

An Open and Closed Case - The Two Sides of Community

Marriage Matters took a break from our study of Mark to take a look at the two sides of community. Pastor Kim was our guest speaker and shared about his passion: community and inclusiveness. The rest of these notes are pretty much copied from his handout in class.

Biblical Basis for Community

• The Triune God exists in community and we are made in His image (Genesis 1:26)
• The cross levels all barriers and is the basis for our unity and community (Acts 10:34-35; Ephesians 2:11-12; Ephesians 3:6)
• The church is made up of members who are interdependent on one another (1 Corinthians 12:12)
• Spiritual growth takes place as we interact with God's Word in the context of community (Ephesians 4:15-16)

Community Spaces

Type of Space	Public	Social	Personal	Private
Size of Group	100 Plus	13 - 100	2 - 12	1 - 2
Jesus' Example	Crowds	70	The 12 disciples	Peter, James, and John
Connecting through sharing...	A common experience	Snapshots of who we are	Private experiences, feelings, and thoughts	Intimate experiences, feelings, and thoughts
New Covenant Environments	Front Porch	Living Room	Kitchen Table
New Covenant Ministries	Worship Service	Adult Bible Fellowship	Small Group
Ratio	8	4	2	1
Relationally	Open - Bridging	Closed - Bonding

Assumptions

• People grow best in healthy community.
• People connect in all four spaces, not just in one or two.
• All four spaces are valued and important.
• Harmony among all four spaces builds healthy community in individuals and organizations.
• Community happens spontaneously. People search for spontaneous community, not forced belonging.
• We can facilitate environments that help people connect.
• People are looking for friends, not a friendly church.

Hospitality

• Leviticus 19:33-34
• Luke 15:1-2
• Romans 12:9-16
• 1 Peter 4:8-10

Application
As an ABF, how can we practice hospitality?

• Intentionally look for people who you can invite to your ABF
• Use name tags
• Acknowledge guests
• Use ice breaker questions to help new guests get snapshots of who you are
• Invite guests to return
• Go first, set the pace, and be real
• Send a note to first time guests, thanking them for coming
• Get to know those who are new and connect them with others who have like interests
• Don't huddle with your friends
• Handle prayer time with sensitivity
• Provide meals, care, notes, personal touch
• Host an ABF Open House and invite guests

We shape environments, as opposed to creating groups. When the environment is healthy, people will find connection on their own and form groups spontaneously. This approach gives freedom and responsibility to individuals, because people will experience belonging and a sense that this helps them with their life. It also helps keep our controlling nature at bay. - Joseph Myers, The Search to Belong

Christian brotherhood is not an ideal which we must realize; it is rather a reality created by God in Christ in which we may participate. The more clearly we learn to recognize that the ground and strength and promise of all our fellowship is in Jesus Christ alone, the more serenely shall we think of our fellowship and pray and hope for it. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

Kim gave us a challenge tonight--not that he necessarily meant it as a challenge, but as a statement of fact: In open social spaces, Christ-followers should be the most inclusive people on Earth.

How's that work? For some ideas and to get infected with excitement for community, check out Kim's blog. Or throw out your ideas and questions in the comments.

Kim, thank you for investing your time in our class--both the preparation and the time you spent teaching us.

Does God Care?

Mark 4:35-5:43 is a series of 3 or 4 stories, depending on how you count them. But all of the stories address one common doubt: does God care?

Before Jesus calmed the storm, he was asleep in the stern of the boat. The disciples, experienced fishermen, were afraid. The storm surely had something to do with it, but their real fear was that Jesus didn't care.

After Jesus drove the legion of demons out of the man and into the herd of pigs, the pigs drowned themselves. The people in the town didn't doubt that Jesus had power, but after seeing their economic loss, they did doubt that he cared about them.

The synagogue ruler, Jairus, came to Jesus out of desperation. His daughter was dying. Jesus agreed to go with him, but stopped in the street to find out who touched him. Jesus spent time talking with the woman he had just healed, and meanwhile, Jairus was told that his daughter had died. The text doesn't say what Jairus did or said, but I would certainly have doubted that Jesus really cared if I had been in Jairus's place.

As for the woman that Jesus healed, I would not be at all surprised to discover that she had, at some point in her twelve years of suffering, doubted that God cared about her.

In all of these stories, Jesus showed that he really did care. He calmed the storm, left the worried townspeople alone, healed the woman, and raised Jairus's daughter.

Then again, the woman's story had been twelve years in the making. Mark just wrote about the end of it. The takeaway from our class discussion is that God really is in control of your situation, and that God really does care, even if things are getting worse.

The Kingdom of God Grows

Jesus tells four parables (and explains one) in Mark 4:1-34. They're fairly familiar parables, about sowing seed on different soils, putting lamps on lampstands instead of under baskets, seeds that grow while you sleep, and mustard seeds.

Parables are stories that are intended to make an impact on and stick with an audience, in a way that a list of bullet points can't. For a story to have an impact, we need to understand the point of the story--much like we need to understand a joke to find it funny. There has been a lot written about interpreting parables, but here are two important tasks:

1. Identify points of reference: the parts of the story with which the audience would identify as it is being told.
2. Identify audience: how the original hearers would have identified with the story (i.e. what they would have heard).

All four parables we looked at had something to do with growth, and the Parable of the Mustard Seed made it clear that the thing growing is the Kingdom of God. As part of the Kingdom of God, we contribute to that growth--not by our own self-efforts, as Pastor Bob preached tonight--but by following the promptings of the Holy Spirit and through the new nature that we have in Christ.

How does knowing that you are a part of the growing Kingdom of God, and will somehow contribute to that growth, affect the way you will live your life?

What is not Forgivable?

In Mark 3:28-29, Jesus says that all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven.

What's blasphemy against the Holy Spirit? How is that different than other sorts of sin or blasphemy?

Here are four resources that dig deep into the answers to these questions:

• An answers to the question, "What is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit?"
• John Piper preached a sermon on the topic
• Three schools of thought on interpretation
• Notes from a sermon by Dave Redick of the Hwy 20 Church of Christ in Oregon

If you read just one, read the John Piper sermon.

So now that you've had a chance to dig deeper, what effect do these answers have on your life?

Meeting at Noelridge Park May 24, 2009

Reminder: Marriage Matters will meet at Noelridge Park on May 24. Bring your dinner and a Frisbee, football, or ...flute? Instead of a lesson, we'll be hanging out and enjoying each others' company.

Whether you're in Cedar Rapids or traveling, have a great Memorial Day weekend!

Too Big or Too Small?

In the passage we looked at tonight, Mark 2:18-3:19, some of the Pharisees challenge Jesus three times about his interpretation of the law. Jesus responds with a parable:

No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. If he does, the new piece will pull away from the old, making the tear worse. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, he pours new wine into new wineskins.

If the patch of cloth or the new wine represents Jesus, and the garment or the wineskins represent the a human relationship with God (as individuals or as a church), then Jesus was telling the Pharisees that he did not intend to fit into the mold of their teaching.

I found it interesting Jesus used two almost contradictory images to illustrate his point. Just as the patch of cloth will shrink and become too small for its purpose, Jesus is too small to satisfy some religious expectations. But just as the wine will expand and burst the wineskins, Jesus is far too big to fit into other religious expectations.

For us today, that should still hold true. Jesus is not willing to be molded into what we want him to be. Our preconceptions, our expectations, and our religious rituals don't control him. He will either be too small to help us, or too big for us to approach. But if we come to Jesus, leaving our agenda behind, and experience him, he has promised to satisfy us.

As for you, how can you keep your focus on doing good and holding firm to the gospel, while being flexible in your approach to Jesus?

Paralyzed by Laughter

Wow, that was fun!

We took a look at the story of the paralytic in Mark 2:1-12, each of four groups from a different perspective: the paralytic, the paralytic's friends, the teachers of the law, and the crowd. And not a single group managed to avoid being hilarious. From the bumped-head-amnesiac bystander, the town gossip ("I was practically there!"), the chainsaw-wielding friends, to the PTA (Pharisee Teacher's Association) meeting, hardware shopping at Temple Depot, and the Factor interview of the paralytic-turned-dance-instructor...very funny stuff.

Stories and the different points of view that different people have about the same events are important when it comes to developing relationships with people, and inviting them into the humor-filled (and love-filled) Kingdom of God.

Your "homework", if you choose to do it, is to read Mark 2:13-17 for a reminder of the Matthew Party concept that we discussed during the Just Walk Across the Room series. And then think of ways to apply that concept.

After all, in addition to taking a step toward the salvation of souls, you'll also be inviting people to share in the kind of fun and laughter we shared tonight.

Questions from Mark 1:33

[Apologies for not getting this posted promptly after last week's class. -ms]

What was the crowd in Mark 1:33 looking for when they came to see Jesus? A healer, a miracle worker, an entertainer, a Messiah, or something else?

What are you looking for when you approach Jesus?

Writers Wanted!

Hey Marriage Mattersers!

So far I've been writing this blog pretty much by myself, with Lindsay graciously filling in one week. I would like to open things up a bit more, and unleash some of the talented people we have in our ABF.

If you have any interest in taking notes occasionally and posting them to the blog (of course, we'll probably have some kind of a schedule to avoid duplicated effort), please let me (Matt) know.

An Awkward Exercise

As part of the discussion of the first half of Mark 1, we discussed Jesus's baptism. When Jesus was baptized, a voice came from heaven, telling him, "You are my son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased."

The first thing we talked about was the encouragement that must have been to Jesus. Imagine your (human) father telling you "You're my son/daughter. I love you. I'm proud of you. You're good at what you do."

As followers of Christ, we have been saved by God's grace. And God now sees us as saints, washed clean by Jesus's blood. He sees us through Christ. God feels the same way about us now as He felt about Jesus.

To help make that seem a little more real, we tried an exercise:

• First, turn to your spouse. Tell him/her "You are God's beloved son/daughter. God loves you."
• Now, say out loud to yourself "I am God's beloved son/daughter. God loves me."

The second part felt a little awkward--and not just because some people don't usually talk to themselves. It seems presumptuous to claim God's love. But God has freely offered it, adopting each of us, and has freed us from guilt.

When you really wrap your mind around that, and your heart fully believes that, let me know. I'll want to know how you did that, and I'll want to celebrate with you.

No ABF Meeting on Easter

Just a reminder: New Covenant ABFs will not meet on Easter Sunday, April 12, 2009.

I hope you have a joy-filled day celebrating the resurrection of Christ Jesus, and look forward to seeing you on the 19th.

Just Walk Across the Room: Share (Your Time, Your Self, Your Love)

Have you ever met someone that is different than you? How do you handle meeting someone whose values are different than yours? What do you do if you cross paths with someone who drinks more than you, or votes for "the other guy", or whose life clearly demonstrates that they have no interest in what God has to offer?

In the final session of Just Walk Across the Room, Bill Hybels said that his response would be to demonstrate "radical inclusiveness" and "err on the side of giving grace." That's a far more difficult response than withdrawing or judging.

In Luke 5:27-32 and Luke 19:1-10, Jesus encountered sinners. In both cases, they happened to be tax collectors. Instead of condemning, or giving them a list of sins to stop, Jesus reached out to them and visited them in their homes. Both tax collectors even invited their friends to meet Jesus.

Jesus commanded us to make disciples. To do that, we need to meet those that aren't yet disciples, and we need to demonstrate Christ's love--the radical love and grace that put us where we are, not by our own works or righteousness or value. That means it is up to us, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to reach out to the rest of the world.

One way to reach out to potential disciples is a "Matthew Party", inspired by the party Levi (a.k.a. Matthew) threw in Luke 5:27-32. It's simple, really. It's a party. You invite people. Some are believers, and some aren't. Bill Hybels suggests a majority of non-Christians (1:3 to 1:5 ratio). Josh Hunt suggests a majority of carefully-chosen Christians. However the ratio works out, the idea is not to dogpile the non-Christians or force-feed them the Gospel. The idea is to have a party that is fun for everyone, and that can develop relationships through which disciples can (at the right time) be made.

There are, of course, many other ways to reach out to potential disciples. If you'd like to share ideas, post them in the comments!

Just Walk Across the Room: Share (Your Story)

The third session of Just Walk Across the Room was about sharing your faith story in a way that appeals to people. After all, why walk across the room to scare someone off or bore them to tears?

The DVD gave some excellent examples of how to tell a bad story, and of how to tell a good story. In a nutshell, keep it short, clear, and to the point. Briefly tell your listener what your life was like before your experience with God, what your experience with God was, and how that experience changed you.

For a couple of examples of faith stories from scripture, check out John 9:24-25 and Acts 22:1-21.

The end of class was spent working on polishing the way we tell our own faith stories. If you're interested in sharing (or just practicing in a friendly environment and getting feedback), there will be opportunities to tell your story in class in the weeks to come.

Just Walk Across the Room: Care

The second session of "Just Walk Across the Room" was about caring for the people that God puts in our lives. More than that, it was about reaching out to people whose paths we cross, so that we do more than just cross paths.

As Christians, over time we discover that we are surrounded more and more by fellow believers. And while the fellowship of believers is wonderful, we're more effective in reaching unbelievers for Christ if we truly care for all of the people that we meet.

The DVD session told the story of Dave, a guy that Bill met as part of a sailing team. Over time, Bill developed a friendship with Dave. Their common interest in sailing brought them together, but it was Bill's intentional kindness toward Dave--asking how his week had been, how his wife was--that moved them from teammates to friends. It was that friendship that allowed Bill to help Dave through the death of Dave's father. And Dave credits that friendship and care with helping him on his journey to faith in Christ.

Jesus cared for others, and not just people that already believed. Luke 15:1-2 gives a glimpse of Jesus's love for others overpowering the pressure to only spend time with the "good crowd".

This week, I encourage you to prayerfully look at your own life. Who do you share a common interest with, but aren't connected with? "Walk across the room" to them, with no agenda besides loving them and enjoying your common interest.

Old Classmates, New Friends

Our "Just Walk Across the Room" series took a break tonight so that we could hear from some members of the class that have been out of the country for a while. They have been working with Wycliffe Bible Translators in southeast Asia, and are home on furlough. Most of us are new to the class since they were here last, so we got to meet them and make some new friends.

If you feel so led, please pray for the training they will attend in Dallas in the coming months, and also for the team of nationals who are working unsupported for the first time.

If you couldn't make it this week, you missed out on a great class and also a great potluck.

Potluck After Class March 15th

Just a reminder, there will be a potluck dinner after class on March 15th. If you signed up to bring something, please remember to bring it! If you didn't, you're still welcome to bring something. And if you don't want to bring something, please bring yourself!

Just Walk Across the Room: Prayer

It's not often that the sermon and ABF lessons intentionally coincide, but that's what happened tonight. Pastor Bob started his sermon series on Just Walk Across the Room, and Marriage Matters started our DVD-based series.

The DVD told the story of Brian, who came to Christ years after Bill walked across a soccer field and introduced himself. Bill showed Brian that he cared, even after his invitation to come to a holiday church service was rebuffed. Years later, when Brian needed wise counsel, he sought out Bill, and God opened a door to sharing the Gospel.

The focus of our discussion was on having a passion for seeing people come to Christ. In Romans 9:1-5, Paul revealed the depth and strength of his desire to see his fellow Israelites saved. Jeremiah shared an analogy that might be helpful in understanding the stakes: if you were getting off a train that you knew was going to plunge into a river before the next stop, why wouldn't you tell the other passengers?

The first two steps are prayer (for your own heart, for opportunities to build and deepen relationships, and for the lost to come to Christ) and taking that "walk across the room". You don't have to do anything unusual. Just be yourself. Introduce yourself. Ask their name. If it's someone you already know, invite them over for dinner or to do some activity together.

What makes you hesitate to "walk across the room"? And how do you overcome that hesitation?

Practice for Walk Across the Room

The plan for March 1st had been to start the Just Walk Across the Room series. We made a last-minute decision to postpone the start of the series so that the ABF could attend the Mitch McVicker concert in the worship center.

However, we did practice walking across the room as we played a few questions' worth of "Would You Rather." Next week we'll actually start the series.

Comments are open for thoughts on the concert.

The hand bone's connected to the... spiritual growth.

In part 3 of his series on having a quiet time, Ed Luebe used the Navigator's Hand illustration to describe five key elements of learning from God's Word. (To avoid stepping on the Navigators' toes, I'll simply provide the link to the illustration, but describe some examples of each element we discussed.

Five Elements of Learning from the Word

1. Hearing the Word. (Romans 10:17)
   


• Location: Pinky finger (a.k.a. The little piggy who went "Wee, wee, wee!" all the way home).
• Examples: Hearing a sermon on the radio, listening to Christian music, Pastor Bob's sermons.


2. Reading the Word. (Revelation 1:3)
   
   
   • Location: Ring finger.
   • Example: A "Read the Bible in a Year" plan.


3. Studying the Word. (Acts 17:11)
   
   
   • Location: Right down the middle.
   • Examples: Bible studies, using online resources, commentaries, concordances for greater insight.
   
   
4. Memorize the Word (Psalm 119:9,11)
   
   
   • Location:The index finger (a.k.a. the little piggy who stayed home.)
     
   • Example: Using the Topical Memory System or some other means of memorizing verses.


5. Meditating on the Word (Psalm 1:2-3)
   
   
   • Location: The thumb. Or as Fonzy would say, "Ehhhhh!"
   • Example: Putting verse notecards in prominent places, reexamining and thinking over verses.

In conclusion, Ed pointed out that the thumb (meditation), plays a vital role in helping us grasp tightly to Truth.

We then offered up some ideas for having a quiet time:

• Change it up regularly
• Or, stick with structure!
• Choose a good time for you
• Make it portable (such as on a Smart phone)
• Set a goal (such as reading through the Bible)
• Prepare in advance
• Try the Navigators' 7 Minutes With God

Do you have any tips for spending time with God?

The Wheel Illustration

Tonight Ed continued teaching about quiet times and the disciplines of our Christian life by using the Navigators' Wheel Illustration. Instead of going into detail here, follow the link. It's good stuff.

To make the outside of the wheel (obedience) work, the spokes (prayer, fellowship, time in God's word, and witness) need to be balanced with each other, and connected to the hub (Christ).

Ed's encouragement to us was to avoid over-complicating Christian life. Instead of a laundry list of things to worry about, the wheel illustration is a simple way to check that things are in balance; and if not, a simple way to know what to use to bring your spiritual disciplines back into balance.

Why Even Have a Quiet Time?

In Genesis 1:26-28, God commands mankind to "be fruitful and multiply." God repeats that command to Noah in Genesis 9:1 and 9:5-7.

What, Ed asked us, does that have to do with having a quiet time?

That command is meant in both a physical and a spiritual sense. Obviously, God meant for Adam and Eve to have children and fill the earth with humans. But as Matthew 28:19-20 indicate, we should also have spiritual children. We should "spiritually reproduce."

Just as there might be things that could interfere with physical reproduction, there are analogous conditions that can interfere with spiritual reproduction:

• Just as lack of union between male and female can prevent physical reproduction, lack of unity between a believer and Christ can prevent spiritual reproduction.
• Just as disease or another physical disorder can prevent physical reproduction, living in a state of sin--a spiritual disease--can prevent spiritual reproduction.
• Just as humans cannot physically reproduce if they are too young, believers cannot spiritually reproduce if they are too spiritually immature.

With that in mind, Ed asked us the challenging question: Do we look at the purpose of quiet time as having anything to do with spiritual reproduction? Or do we look at them with a "what's in it for me" attitude?

Based on the NavPress book, Born to Reproduce, Ed gave us the challenge to desire to be a great-grandparent in the faith, rather than a child in the faith. And to do that, we need to invest our lives into another person. The task isn't to influence the entire world at once. It's to find one person (as the Navigators ask, "Where's your man?" or "Where's your woman?") to pour into.

If you're not doing that yet, or looking at the purpose of quiet times as spiritual reproduction, that's no reason to feel guilty. But think about it. Pray about it. And come back next week, as Ed will share more about quiet times.

Your Spouse: Someone You Should Know

Our final guest couple for the "Five Years One Thing" series was planning to share their wisdom with us tonight. But they didn't want to share the flu with us as well, so they will most likely be visiting us on February 8.

Instead of trying to line up another guest at the last minute, we did something a little more interactive. One thing you should know before you've been married for five years is your spouse, so everyone took a quiz on their spouse. Our top scorers were Christian and Lindsay, who were awarded the Marriage Matters Traveling Trophy for their spousal knowledge.

The "How Well Do You Know Your Spouse Quiz":

1. When would your spouse prefer to wake up?
2. Would your spouse say there is a correct way to hang toilet paper? If so, what would they say it is?
3. Who, besides you, is your spouse's best friend?
4. What is your spouse's primary love language?
5. If money were no longer an issue in your lives, what would your spouse do with their days?
6. What is your spouse's favorite movie?
7. What is the last book your spouse finished?
8. What is your spouse's favorite song? If your spouse does not have a favorite song, who is your spouse's favorite band/artist?
9. What food that you cook/prepare does your spouse most like to eat?
10. What is something you do that your spouse wishes you didn't do?
11. What are your spouse's burial preferences?
12. What is your spouse's favorite book of the Bible?
13. Who was your spouse's favorite teacher or professor?
14. What is your spouse's dream date?
15. What is your spouse's dream vacation?
16. How many kids does your spouse want?
17. What do you wear that your spouse wishes you didn't?
18. What is your spouse's favorite sport to watch?
19. What is your spouse's favorite sport to play?
20. How many questions did your spouse get right?
    

And a brief reminder: Marriage Matters will not be meeting as usual on February 1.

Our Story for His Glory

Our guests for the third week of the "Five Years One Thing" series were Randy and Mindy McCright. They had a lot more than one thing to share, but they tied everything together. Each marriage is a story that God can use for His glory.

Randy and Mindy each prepared something separate to share.

Mindy went first. She said that she had learned that if you expecting too much out of your spouse, you will be disappointed, and you will put too much pressure on your spouse to live up to your expectations. It's unfair to your spouse. God is the only one that can fully satisfy us. So, she said, make the Lord your strength.

She also told us about the power of praise to counter expectations, especially her experience with a book called 31 Days of Praise. If you thank God for the good aspects of your spouse, you will be able to stop focusing on their weaknesses. But also, you can thank God for your spouse's weaknesses. God had a purpose in giving your spouse each weakness; your spouse is still wonderfully made!

Randy took the alliterative approach to preparation. His "S words" were

• Servanthood: Your marriage is not about you. Serving your spouse is more important to God.
• Security: There are many kinds of security. Guys, give your wife the security of knowing that you only have eyes for her. That's security that she really desires.
• Sacrifice: God gives us what we need. We can sacrifice the things we want. But we should focus on the fundamentals, the basics, of marriage (things like spending time together, expresing love to each other, and so on.)
• Success: Define success Biblically, not as the world defines it. Relationships are far more important than stuff.
• Sex: All of those other "S words" add up to this. Sex shouldn't be the objective of your marriage. It should be the result of a successful and secure marriage based on servanthood and sacrifice. "After the kids leave the house, what will you do with each other?"

Randy summed this up by saying "It's not what you do, but who you are." For the guys, that means man up. I'm not sure what the catchy phrase for the non-guys is. Your character is far more important than your stuff.

During the Q&A time, Randy and Mindy also shared some great advice. Among the things they shared:

• Have fun. Balance intentionality with spontaneity. [That balance will look different for each couple, but have fun with each other.]
• Establish principles in your marriage. Praying together regularly and asking for forgiveness were two principles that were mentioned.
• Pray "Lord, let us know what we need to know." It can apply to your marriage, to kids, or to any area of your life where you don't quite know everything yet.
  

This was one you really had to be there for. I definitely didn't capture all the information, let alone the fun and the laughter. When class finally wrapped up twenty minutes later than usual, we still wanted to hear more. Many thanks to Randy and Mindy for giving us this time, and for sharing part of the story of your marriage!

If there's anything that caught your ear, or just to continue the discussion, please post it in the comments.

Five Years One Thing #2

In the second week of our "Five Years One Thing" series, Pastor Bob Westfall and his wife Leesa were our guests. They shared their answer to the question, "What's the one thing you wish you had known before your fifth anniversary?" Because of their great wisdom, they actually had more than one thing to share. Their Top 10 list (they actually counted down from ten, so just flip the numbers if you want):

1. Never go to bed angry.
2. Go to bed at the same time.
3. Remember that feelings follow actions.
4. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to tell each other what pleases you.
5. Know each other's love languages.
6. Timing is everything. Learn how to have a fair fight.
7. Agree on a budget.
8. Pray together every day.
9. Don't assume you know what your spouse is thinking, or that they know what you're thinking.
10. Don't take each other or your marriage for granted.

Bob and Leesa also emphasized that Christ is an essential part of a good marriage.

There was also a lot of good information shared during the Q&A (which I didn't take notes on). There was also laughter, and at least one Flying Weenie reference.

So, Bob and Leesa, thanks for spending some time with us. You're welcome back any time!

Five Years One Thing

Tonight we started the "Five Years One Thing" series. Guest couples that have more marriage experience than the rest of us will visit us to answer the question "What's the one thing you wish you had known before your fifth anniversary?" Our guest couples will help us to see a little bit further down the road of marriage, with the wisdom that comes with their perspective and experience.

Our first "guests" were Ed and Christine Luebe. Their "one thing" is the importance of knowing your calling and values as a couple. As a couple it's possible to lose sight of (or even as individuals) your mission (calling) and the things that are most important in your family (your values) as you go through life. Talk with your spouse, decide what your calling and values are, and then write them down. And refer back to what you've written, to make sure you're continuing on the right track.